July 15, 2:13 pm

Is a date that I'll never forget. The doctor tried his best, but Gwen's pulmonary hypertension just wouldn't go down. The longer she was on ECMO, the less likely she would survive, and she just wasn't getting any better. Today I had another talk with the doctor, and it was the talk I didn't want to have. At 2:13 today, Gwendolyn Christine died. I held her until she went. It was the best for her; she was fighting a losing battle. She fought hard, but she wasn't responding to any of the treatments the doctor was putting her on.

Better news

Well Thursday, I received word that the doctors didn't think that Gwen would live past Monday, but today is Tuesday, and Gwen is still fighting. She's stable, there hasn't been any change at all since the weekend. However, Monday they did a scan of her chest and were able to see her left lung, and were able to see that her right lung is still inflated. When they checked her lungs with the stethoscope, they were able to hear breathing sounds in both lungs.

Her nurses just adore her. One of her day shift nurses bought her pretty little smocked dress and even prettier little blanket. One of her night shift nurses brought in some socks for her, and another adorable little blanket.

They put her on a lasix drip, to try and get her to pee more often. Which she did phenomenally. Over Saturday day and night she peed over a liter, and got some of that swelling down. She looked wonderful!

2 Weeks

Well, this morning when I spoke with the doctor, we did not have the dreaded talk I thought we would. But did say that talk is close. If we could just get the hypertension down in her lungs, we'd be great. Well, better. She's responding well to everything else. Today even it looked like some of her swelling has gone down. I'm not too sure, because I myself never even notice it. To me she's perfectly beautiful. I didn't get to spend much time with Gwen this morning. That was my own fault, I woke up feeling just positively awful, and wound up having to go to the ER. Diagnosis: UTI. This morning I just wasn't up to spending time with her, as awful as that sounds. Because they have to keep her up so very high, I have to stand on a little stool next to her bed. Sometimes my legs are just too weak to hold me up, and that happened this morning. However I did get to go back later this evening.

I absolutely adored her nurse today. While I was resting my legs, she had to draw some blood for a test. She spoke kindly to Gwen, trying to make her feel a lot better during the unpleasant process. She also spoke so kindly to her earlier when she had to clean out Gwen's lungs. Gwen's had the nurse a couple of times, and she just adores Gwen. And she pulled a chair over, and spoke to me about me. I mean, I love talking about Gwen, she's such a strong baby girl, she's precious. But sometimes I need someone to ask me how am I feeling, and understand that this is a hard time for me, too.

Things are not looking good

Tomorrow I talk with the doctors that have been taking care of Gwen. When they changed her pump, she did not do too well. She backslid all the way back to 100% on everything, and they are not expecting her to live past Monday. I fear that tomorrow they will start talking about taking her off life support. They did another echo of the heart this morning, and the hypertension in her lungs is still very high. She so very swollen, and they can't seem to get it down. Even though earlier today they were able to wean her down on the oxygen to about 80%, I think Gwen has fought all she can fight. I've been trying to stay positive, telling myself that we would be taking her home but I honestly don't believe so anymore. My poor little baby girl just won't respond to the medicines they've given her for the hypertension. Her lungs just won't work right.

This has been the hardest two weeks I've ever had to face. I never knew that you could love someone so much it hurts, but you can. Oh God, I want to take her home. I want to take her home alive, and happy. How does one decide whether to take a loved one off of life support? I don't know if I could do it; but I don't want my little girl to suffer. I know that there is still time, but medically speaking it would take a miracle for Gwen to get better. And I don't think I'm going to get that miracle, my baby has fought all she can fight. Today she had tears just streaming down her face, and thats something that she's never done before. She's never cried before. I think, I really do think, she's just tired of fighting. Its not fair, that such a innocent little baby should have to go through this. It's not fair at all.

Doing this alone

Today I moved into the Ronald McDonald House. Once Aunt Irene left the hospital, it finally hit me that I was really, truly alone for the very first time. I couldn't stay long at the hospital, once I got back to my room, I just cried and cried until I fell asleep. My mother should be here for me. But she's not, she's too worried about her physical therapy. I wouldn't mind it much if she were actually taking in what she was doing, instead she's wasting doctor's time. All she wants is the pain medicines. My father should be here too, and can't. I'm really, truly alone. I don't know how I'm going to do this so alone. I have "family" here, but Irene and her husband really aren't family, and I don't want to become a burden to them. They have been so, so helpful; and I'm thankful for it. Its awful going to the hospital and seeing that little girl hooked up to all those machines. It hard hearing the doctor tell me he's doing all he can do to keep her alive. I understand the Gwen is a very, very sick little girl. I understand that she's hanging on, that it's still very early and I don't expect leaps and bounds from her. But all I want to do is hold her. I never got to hold her. In fact, I didn't even get to "see" her until hours after her birth, and then I never really saw her. I saw wires and a leg and an arm. Then they wheeled her out, to fly her out to Augusta. It then took me a week to get down to her, and by then little Gwen was barely hanging on to life. Now that I'm at her bedside everyday, I can tell she's doing better, but she's still so very, very sick. I know that recovery is a very long road, but its awful. It's so hard.

I know there is hope. The little babygirl in the bed next to Gwen was just recently on ECMO. She's now eating solids. Her mommy is in the Ronald McDonald House too, they're from Savannah. The little girl is about as old as Gwen. It gives me hope. That little girl was very sick to; maybe not as sick as Gwen. But each time Gwen backslides, it's hard. Even when the backslide is to be expected. Today they changed out her pump, and even though it's normal the nurses said, it was heartbreaking to find that she backslid again. She had been doing so good. They're trying their best to get some of her swelling down, and it just doesn't seem to be working at all. Apparently she's too swollen, and that is probably not healthy for her. Sometimes, I wonder if she's ever going to get better. I try to tell myself that I'm taking her home with me, but it hard to keep positive seeing your little girl hooked up to machines and moniters. I honestly don't think I can do this alone. Even being in the Ronald McDonald House, with other parents who are going through the same thing I am, I don't think I can do this. Gwen's recovery can take months and months; and with a mother who cares more about herself, and my dad himself can't spend months with me, I am so alone.

My baby is on viagra!

Well, the Viagra is to help try and inflate her blood vessels in her lungs. Because her left lung so very small, they can't see how much of it she has because of her instestines and stomach being right on top of it; and her right lung is deflated. Gwen's been doing pretty good, shes now down to 60% on the ECMO. I did get to speak with her doctor yesterday, and he says that the road to recovery will be a very long one. Several, long months in fact. He warns that even after the surgery she may suffer from hypertension in the lungs again, so we might spend a very long time on a ventilator, or worse revert back to the ECMO again. However, I think now that Gwen knows her mommy is right there with her, we won't have to worry about that. My babygirl needed me, and I'm there for her. Hopefully, it won't be long before I can hold her. I never got to hold her at all because of the C-Section and her pediatrians whisked her away so fast.

We had an eventful day yesterday

First off, "eventful" is not something we want to hear about Gwen. Yesterday morning, she'd started to decline pretty rapidly on the ECMO. She jumped back up to 100% and wasn't responding to treatment, so they brought in a cardio scan to see what was wrong with her heart. It appears the the cannulates in her carotid artery could have been put in a better place. Once this was done, Gwen imediantly started to improve. She jumped down from 100% to 70% by the time I had been able to get to her. I was able to get one of those teddy bears that have the heart beat soundbox, which she loves. I don't know which she loves more, her heart beat soundbox or my voice. If my sweet little girl keeps improving at the rate she is, I'll have my baby home soon.

Yesterday wasn't a fluke!

Well, yesterday while I was visiting Gwen, she wiggled her little fingers. I think she was trying to grasp my finger, but couldn't because of the sedation medicine they have her on. I thought it just might have been my little princess being stubborn, but it seems they want her to move. They're weaning her slowly on the sedation medicines, hoping it'll cause her pee more often and help take down some of her swelling. Yesterday they started weaning her from the ECMO by taking her down from 100% to 90%, however today because of the weaning of the sedation medicines and her moving more, they had to take her back up to 95% on the ECMO. Which is okay, and to be expected. I haven't been able to get to hospital just yet today, mainly because my mom and Stan's aunt took me shopping. I really did need the clothes, so I can't argue, even though I really want to be there with Gwen. I'll be going there later tonight after dinner, most likely. But once I return, I'll have some more photos. Especially since they're letting me bring in a teddy bear for her, and they let me put little socks on her feet yesterday.

One week

It's been one week since Gwen's birth, and it's been an emotional roller coaster. I was released late Tuesday, and spent Wednesday and Thursday healing from the c-section. It's been pretty hard on me, I'm the type who likes to do things for herself, and suddenly I was practically helpless. I needed help getting in and out of the bed, and such forth. Friday we were finally able to drive down to Augusta, and I was finally able to really see my baby girl. Daily phone call updates just weren't cuttting it. Right now I'm staying with Stan's aunt, but I think I might move closer in the Ronald McDonald house; I had thought that it was a 20 minute drive from her house, but it's closer to an hour. On Gwen, I really don't have much to report yet. Her vitals are doing great; she's got a good heartbeat, good blood pressure. She did have pneumothorax, which is a collapsed lung, but that seems to have reinflated. We're praying it stays that way. They're still pumping about 80% oxygen into her blood. She's a stubborn one, they're keeping her paralyzed medically, but she still tries to open her eyes and move. Today, I felt her little fingers wiggle. It brought a smile to my face, even though I understand why they want to keep her paralyzed. I'm looking forward to the day she can grasp my fingers. We're praying that day is soon. The hardest part on seeing her, was that I couldn't hold her and cuddle her like I wanted. They've got these huge tubes in the side of her neck that are pumping out her blood, oxygenating it, and pumping it back into her body. The ECMO machine is huge and awfully scary. I'm praying that she heals enough to get off it soon. I didn't want her on it to begin with, but the doctor's felt it was necessary. And I have to agree, I don't have to like it, but I know that without the ECMO Gwendolyn wouldn't have made it to being one week old.

Mommy kissing Gwen's hand.

Mommy holding little Gwen's hand. It's so very, very tiny.

Little Gwen's feet. It wasn't easy getting a good angle. :(

The ECMO machine she's hooked up to. It's scary!



Gwendolyn Christine's birth

 Well, Thursday we gave Lil Miss her eviction notice, guess she wasn't too thrilled about that! At 5:30 Friday night my water broke. I felt a "thump thump" and rushed to the bathroom. I barely made it before AF started to run down my leg, soaking my underwear. At first I thought it was just pee, so I started to look for toilet paper, but we didn't have any and it just kept running down my leg and I couldn't stop it. So I took a gander, figured my water and had broken and called the doctor. He told me to go ahead and go to the hospital, so we grabbed my hospital bag, and off we went. Up till then, I had just been feeling slightly crampy, nothing serious. We hit the road at 6, by 6:20 I was contracting. Thats when we hit traffic, there'd been a wreck, so we spent a good ten- to twenty minutes in bumper-to-bumper traffic. Wonderful. We finally made it to the hospital by about 7 pm. By this time I was contracting bad, and dilated 1.5 cm. I wanted a med-free birth, so I tried to ride the contractions out: but didn't count on back labor. I finally asked for some pain meds because it was just too much. I was still at 1.5 cm dilated, and the OB won't give a epidural until dilated at 4 cm so they gave me Nubain. I took it. At that point I turned the tv on in the room and watched old episodes of Reba on Lifetime. By the end of The Protector, however, the Nubain has worn off, and I crying for a epidural. Luckily I was 4 cm dilated, I got the epi at 6 cm. This included a lot of  "I can't"s and crying. I managed to pee myself before they inserted the catheter, and mentioned that to the nurse. :/ After laying back down on the bed, I pretty much passed out.
At 5 am Saturday morning my OB checks me, and I'm ready to go. We do a few practice pushes in, but Lil Miss is still high up, so they raise the bed as far as it would raise in hopes that gravity would pull her down. By about 7, I'm pushing again. However Lil Miss is being stubborn, she's at 0 station and won't go any farther. By 8, they're prepping me for a c-section. They bring in the anathesialogist and give me a whole new epidural because the one I had last night wore off. Like the one before it, I pretty much conked out, so I missed a lot of the actual birth. My dad was in the OR there with me, and he said as soon they pulled Gwen out, the neonatologist scooped her up and started working on her while the OB stitched me up. Then they rushed her to NICU, and I was rolled back to my room. I was pretty much out of it till about 12 when my mother, her ex, her best friend and best friend's husband showed up. Then they moved me to the Maternity ward room.

41 weeks

Well, 40 weeks and 5 days today. We have an eviction notice for Lil' Miss. At today's appointment we scheduled for inducement on Monday night. I still am 0 cm dilated and 0% effacement. It just looks like my body likes being pregnant. lol

40 Weeks

I'm due today, and still no progress. I'm not sure how much longer I can put up with this back pain, I've been feeling it for about 2 weeks now. I told the doctor at my appt yesterday, and he said nothing about it :( Its a vicious cycle; the pain is so bad because I don't walk nearly enough, but I don't walk because of the severe pain. :( I don't know what to do. I swore to myself I wouldn't be one of those ladies who complained about being overdue, and I'm trying not to, I really am. I know most first time mom's go late, and I even prepared myself to go late. But I certainly didn't expect this severe back pain. I guess it's not something you can really prepare yourself for. We're all ready for Lil'Miss to make her grand entrance, she can come any time. Please Baby, hurry up! You're hurting mommy. :( The only thing left for us to do is to install the carseat base into the car (I won't leave the car seat in the car because of a certain someone who won't stop smoking and I don't want Lil'Miss's things covered in the cancerous smoke).
I swear, the farther along I get, the less patience I have for my own mother. I know one shouldn't talk bad about their parents, but my own mother is a piss-poor mother, always has been, always will be. It's getting under my skin when she sits there, gloats and acts like she's Mother of the Year. She's not even in the running. Everything was always her first, and everything else was a poor second. Including her own daughter. I understand that right now, with our finances, I can't afford everything I want; but I swear I do. not. want. to. hear. the. words "the hospital will provide" one more time. If I do, I'm going to explode. I have wants, just like the next person, just like her. I want my wants fulfilled, just like the next person, just like her. She won't buy me the things I want, or need, but she'll buy cigarettes. A pack of bottles cost what? About twelve dollars... Four packs of cigarettes cost how much? About sixteen or so. So how the hell does she not have money for a fucking pack of 3 bottles? Or pacifiers, or burp clothes/bibs, or diapers... or... She gets four packs of cigarettes  each. week. every. week. Sometimes I look at her, and I worry if I'll be just like her. I worry sometimes, if in 20 years my own daughter will hate me as much as I hate her... not because I was a bad mother, but because I tried to overcompensate for the fact that my own mother was such a piss poor mom. When is too much too much?

Holy smokes! Jackpot!

So, my mom's exboyfriend-turned-roommate went to visit family recently, and his sister sent back a baby swing, a baby tub, a wooden highchair, a play yard, and another play mat. And clothes, lots and lots of clothes. Wow! I'll have photos soon. I'm just amazed at how many things I've received for babygirl so far, all of it unasked for. My mom's best friend also bought me a stroller just today as well. Outside of small things (pacifiers, bottles, etc. etc.) we're all set for babygirl's grand entrance. While I'm certain that she'll come late, I'm just so tired of the back pain, I'm begging her to hurry up! It's gotten to the point where I'm wondering if I need to call the doctor's office, it's that severe. Walking helps, but not much. At my last appointment there had been no progress, just back pain. :(

39 Weeks

At yesterday's doctor visit I'm still not dilated, not effaced, and she's still floating. :( No progress sucks.

How is baby growing?
Your baby's waiting to greet the world! She continues to build a layer of fat to help control her body temperature after birth, but it's likely she already measures about 20 inches and weighs a bit over 7 pounds, a mini watermelon. (Boys tend to be slightly heavier than girls.) The outer layers of her skin are sloughing off as new skin forms underneath. 

Babygirl's nursery

There are still a few things to do, but it's coming along nicely and I'm just tickled pink with how it's coming!

A peek from the door.

Adorable small little Pooh Bear diaper bag.

Detail of the bottle warmer.

Hand-stitched bibs.

Detail of the flower and butterfly bib.

Detail of the "little princess" bib.

The changing table was a yardsale find. :D

Another yardsale find. :D

Detail of the play mat.

My old hope chest I hope to use as babygirl's toy chest.

Detail of the cushion on the hope chest.

detail of the front decoration on the hope chest.

38 Weeks

How is baby growing?
Your baby has really plumped up. She weighs about 6.8 pounds and she's over 19 1/2 inches long (like a leek). She has a firm grasp, which you'll soon be able to test when you hold her hand for the first time! Her organs have matured and are ready for life outside the womb.
Wondering what color your baby's eyes will be? You may not be able to tell right away. If she's born with brown eyes, they'll likely stay brown. If she's born with steel gray or dark blue eyes, they may stay gray or blue or turn green, hazel, or brown by the time she's 9 months old. That's because a child's irises (the colored part of the eye) may gain more pigment in the months after she's born, but they usually won't get "lighter" or more blue. (Green, hazel, and brown eyes have more pigment than gray or blue eyes.

37 Weeks, Full Term!!!

How is baby growing?

Your baby is now considered "full term," even though your due date is three weeks away. If you go into labor now, her lungs will likely be mature enough to fully adjust to life outside the womb. (Some babies need a bit more time, though. So if you're planning to have a repeat c-section, for example, your practitioner will schedule it for no earlier than 39 weeks unless there's a medical reason to intervene earlier.)
Your baby weighs 6 1/3 pounds and measures a bit over 19 inches, head to heel (like a stalk of Swiss chard). Many babies have a full head of hair at birth, with locks from 1/2 inch to 1 1/2 inches long. But don't be surprised if your baby's hair isn't the same color as yours. Dark-haired couples are sometimes thrown for a loop when their children come out as blonds or redheads, and fair-haired couples have been surprised by Elvis look-alikes. And then, of course, some babies sport only peach fuzz.

36 Weeks

I had resigned myself to not having a baby shower, since I really don't know anyone to invite, however a cousin offered to throw me one. I'm so happy! I had really wanted one. It just felt weird to ask for gifts from people that I barely know, and I barely know my family that is in this area. I can hardly wait! Even though it is kind of late in the game to be having a baby shower.

35 Weeks

How is baby growing?
Your baby doesn't have much room to maneuver now that she's over 18 inches long and tips the scales at 5 1/4 pounds (pick up a honeydew melon). Because it's so snug in your womb, she isn't likely to be doing somersaults anymore, but the number of times she kicks should remain about the same. Her kidneys are fully developed now, and her liver can process some waste products. Most of her basic physical development is now complete — she'll spend the next few weeks putting on weight.

gDiapers

Just browsing about baby websites, I came across this, gDiapers. I had originally looked into cloth diapering, because they are more cost efficient in the long run, but decided against it. In the end it just looked like the initial cost to start up was too great. At least to start out with. But browsing I found gDiapers, which can be used as cloth or biodegradable disposables. I just think these are just too cute!

34 Weeks

How is baby growing?
Your baby now weighs about 4 3/4 pounds (like your average cantaloupe) and is almost 18 inches long. Her fat layers — which will help regulate her body temperature once she's born — are filling her out, making her rounder. Her skin is also smoother than ever. Her central nervous system is maturing and her lungs are continuing to mature as well. If you've been nervous about preterm labor, you'll be happy to know that babies born between 34 and 37 weeks who have no other health problems generally do fine. They may need a short stay in the neonatal nursery and may have a few short-term health issues, but in the long run, they usually do as well as full-term babies.

SSA names

The SSA name lists for 2010 came out today. 

The total of boy names with the -ayden/aden/aiden variation is 91,077. The total of the -ayden/aden/aidan variations in the top 1000 is 41. Aiden is at the top with 28,606 (10 variants). Raiden at the bottom with 590 (2 variants).

The total of the Mad/Mck trend is 78,570. The total of girls with Mck/Mac/Mc- names is 19, 649. The total of girls with Mad- names is 12,478. The total of girls with -ailey names is 24,337. The total of -iley names is 22,106.

The total of the -lyn trend is 45,618. There are 11 total names, with 26 variants. 

The total of the -son trend is 36,009. There are 4 names, with 9 variants.

 The total of the boys-names-on-girls trends is 50, 638. There are 13 names, with 10 variants. 

PLUS for your enjoyment, there are 74 boys in 2010 named Unknown.

29 named Jessejames.

29 named Shooter.

26 boys named Olivia.

And a few boys named Jaydance.

5 girls named Yunique. 

On that note, babygirl's name Gwendolyn ranks on 566 on the SSA list in 2010.  Can we hear it for a unique name that isn't "yooneek" and "cr8tive" and overdone? :D

Follow Up to News

Well, as you know I finally was actually told something from my perinatologist. As it turns out only Scottish Rite Children's and Eccleston Children's Hospital does surgery. I have an appointment with my OB to talk about labor options; the pros and cons of an elective c-section vs a vaginal birth.

33 Weeks

How is baby growing?
 This week baby weighs a little bit over 4lbs and has passed the 17 inch mark. She's rapidly losing the wrinkled, alien look and her skeleton is hardening. The bones in her skull aren't fused together which allows them to move and slightly overlap, thus making it easier for him to fit through the birth canal. (The pressure on the head during birth is so intense that many babies are born with a conehead-like appearance.) These bones don't entirely fuse until early adulthood, so they can grow as his brain and other tissue expands during infancy and childhood.

News

Well, since "no news, is good news" that means I passed the 3 hour glucose test. No Gestational diabetes for me! Friday, I saw my perinatologist. Finally, I've gotten some answers. My first appointment, I was told the doctor would get me in touch with a pediatrician, well I was told on Friday that I should search for my own. Well, that would have been nice weeks ago. Thanks. Just assume I know what I'm supposed to do. Never mind this is my first pregnancy. Well, Monday I'll be making phone calls. Once I know my pediatrician I can actually know which hospital I'll be delivering at.

At my growth ultra-sound I found out that she weighs 4 lbs, which means babygirl is growing just on schedule. It appears that her hernia is on her left side, pushing her heart to the right. However, her heart seems to have developed just fine regardless, but her left lung is underdeveloped. So far, the prognosis is looking good.

32 Weeks

How is baby growing?

By now baby weighs 3.75lbs and is about 16.7 inches long, taking up space in your uterus. Your gaining about a pound a week, most of which is going straight to baby. n fact, she'll gain a third to half of her birth weight during the next 7 weeks as she fattens up for survival outside the womb. She now has toenails, fingernails, and real hair (or at least respectable peach fuzz). Her skin is becoming soft and smooth as she plumps up in preparation for birth.

Wishlist items

My current obsession is the Mei Tai Baby Carriers. In my research I've found that baby wearing is the best for you and baby, especially as newborns. Newborns need comfort and to be held, and the wraps hold baby close, and leaves mom's hands free. Baby wearing has been seen throughout history; Chinese and Native American mothers would wear their babies as they went about their daily business.

I really like the Mei Tai Baby Carriers because are generally comfortable and versatile. I can use the same carrier from newborn to toddlerhood. Mei Tai Baby Carriers generally are a square- or rectangle-shaped piece of fabric with straps at the four corners, but the traditional mei tai stretch back hundreds of years. The Mei Tai is a wrap, but unlike the moby they are generally easier to use. :D

Mei Tai's also are generally a lot cheaper that the buckle carriers like ERGObaby and Becco. :D

Picture credits go to Heavenly Hold 

To begin with

I figured this would serve as a intro post. I chose My little Princess simply because I have not yet decided on a name for baby girl, and her granddaddies are already calling her "Princess" anyway. Cheesy, yup, I know. Anyway, I saw this survey on another blog, and decided why the hell not.

How far along? 31 Weeks

How big is baby? At my last ultrasound she was 15 inches, and weighs about 2.5 lbs.

Maternity clothes? I have a few, which were donated to me. Thank goodness. Most of all my pants with the exception of lounge pants no longer fit.

Stretch marks? Oh, yes. I look like I got clawed up pretty bad.

Sleep? I don't get much sleep, I'm usually up and down having to pee. I have to pee at least once a hour.

Best moment of the week? Getting the crib put up.

Food cravings? None really. Not unless you count potatoes, I could eat them all day.

Gender? Well I wouldn't call a little boy a "princess" lol I'm definantly having a little girl.

Belly button in or out? out

Movement? She's very active. She's big enough now that you can see the movements through my stomach. It's weird!

What I miss? Being able to fit my clothes :(

What I'm looking forward to? No longer waking up with random aches and pains.